Gloria DeGaetano - Building the Foundation for Resiliency Skills

Building the Foundation for Resiliency Skills (cont.)

Have other adults to talk with. Especially if you are a stay-at-home-parent or a single parent, make it a priority to have a weekly conversation or get-together with a trusted friend. You will be much more present and available to your child when you have predictable breaks for adult conversations away from your child.

With Children, Ages 6-10…
Babies and young children deliberately bond with us, continually seeking love and comfort. As our children grow into middle childhood and begin their journey toward independence, it is we who have to become more intentional about keeping and deepening the parent-child bond. Because this stage of development warrants exploration of children’s skills and talents, it’s tempting to keep them very busy with music or dance lessons, sports, and other extra-curricular activities. But really what matters most is the time we spend relating to them.

There’s been a lot of talk and controversy over parent-child quality time. Have you ever defined what “quality time” with your child or children would mean? What does it look like? Do you know when you experience it? Does your child? Reflecting on what makes quality time of quality can be interesting and can help busy parents orchestrate the types of experiences they want with their children. For quality time to strengthen the parent-child relationship, it would be characterized by three important elements:

An experience of shared feelings
A valuing of each other
A recognition of connection

Most parents can give examples of times with their children that reflect these three elements. One mother of a nine year-old son told me, “When I take Isaac to soccer practice, he usually tells me about his day. In the car, it’s just he and I. We don’t even turn the radio on because there is just this great atmosphere of sharing. He’ll tell me about his day, the good things, the not-so-good things. I listen as best as I can and ask him questions to find out more how he’s thinking. I’m always fascinated by what he says. He has great insights for a kid his age. He’ll give me a quick hug before he gets out of the car and look me in the eyes with a sheepish grin. Usually, he says, ‘Thanks, mom.’ We both know he’s thanking me not only for the ride to the soccer field, but for something intangible as well.”

This mother obviously values her son, and her son, in his own way, shows he values her. She makes emotional space for him to be able to talk to her by limiting the distractions when they are together in the car. In making the regular drive to soccer practice a reliable opportunity for shared time, she nurtures the connection between them—even in the midst of a busy day. Of course, a lot of times when we’re driving our kids to sports’ practices or other activities, we have their friends in the car with us and can’t use the time for a parent-child sharing. That’s understandable. The important thing is that during this stage of our children’s development, we use the time we do have to intentionally bond with them.

I was shopping with my husband about a week before Thanksgiving one year and saw something I will never forget. A young girl, around eight years old, was with her mother. As they traveled down the aisles, the mom had to steer her daughter so she wouldn’t walk into anything because the girl’s face was buried in a hand-held video game. Not talking to each other, mother and daughter walked around the grocery store as if robots being given marching orders by the hand-held device. The only time they looked at each other and spoke was when the Gameboy malfunctioned. There they were trying to figure it out in front of the meat counter, as people huddled around them trying to pick up their Thanksgiving turkeys. The two were oblivious to the impatient crowd. The screen machine held their attention until finally, it was fixed. They then continued as they had before, walking the aisles, mother wordlessly steering daughter, while daughter fixated on the small screen.

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