Gloria DeGaetano - Building the Foundation for Resiliency Skills

Building the Foundation for Resiliency Skills (cont.)

For parents, grocery shopping may not be the most exciting event. But with a child before a holiday it can be an opportunity to talk about plans for Thanksgiving dinner; pointing out varieties of brightly-colored gourds, commenting on all the varieties of flowers on display, and discussing buying decisions. If we don’t consider such a mundane task as grocery shopping as significant, the mass media culture can waltz right in and disrupt the parent-child bond, as in the case between that mother and her daughter. We can communicate to our kids that we value them in many ways and places. We will never get the “right time” or the “perfect setting” to strengthen our relationship with them. That means it’s wise to think of the times that we do have as very important our task of intentionally bonding with them, as especially critical. Jewish theologian Martin Buber proposed two ways of human interaction. An “I-It” approach where we view the other as an object, distant from us, like a thing, without a soul. Or an “I-Thou” approach where the other is valued as a unique person to be appreciated in his or her own right—a sacred being. (3)

Consciously bringing in the three elements of bonding (sharing, valuing, and connecting) when we interact with our children is a way to pay attention to the “whole universe” of who they are, even during difficult times. In so doing, we approach our children from an “I-Thou” standpoint, which allows for authentic emotional intimacy to emerge. Respecting our kids doesn’t mean giving up our authority. Instead when we gain our kids’ respect, we have appropriate parental authority. They listen to us better because they trust us to act in our integrity on their behalf.

Productive love that can transform another human being has four major qualities: care, responsibility, knowledge, and respect. (4) It’s easy to understand the parental role as one of care and responsibility. Likewise, we must be knowledgeable about our children in order to meet their needs. But somehow, the quality of respect isn’t naturally ascribed to the parent-child bond. Yet, during the ages of six through ten, if children don’t come to respect their parents and vice-versa, adolescence can be more difficult than it has to be.

Without validation human beings despair. We all want to be seen and recognized for who we are. We all need to feel like we belong. Humans long for that. Parental respect validates children and enables them to feel significant. As we spend time with our children we not only silently express that we value them, but we also silently tell them that we value our parental role. Let’s face it, when kids are left in an emotional void without parental guidance, what are some conclusions they can easily come to? That they aren’t worth the parent’s time. And that the parent disdains his or her job because the child is so horrible. In thinking that they aren’t good enough, children can easily escalate those thoughts to resent the parent’s absence. Yet, understand it, too. “After all, maybe my mom or dad would like being parents better, if I were better,” a child might think to herself. As we validate our kids, we also validate ourselves as parents in their eyes.

<<Previous - Next>> 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

For information on receiving permission to reprint this article by obtaining your own PDF version, please click here or contact Gloria DeGaetano by phone at 425-753-0955 or by e-mail at info@GloriaDeGaetano.com

keynotes/trainings - books/cds - consulting/coaching - articles - about - contact - Parent Coach Certification®