Gloria DeGaetano - Building the Foundation for Resiliency Skills

Building the Foundation for Resiliency Skills (cont.)

Strengthening the Parent-Teen Relationship

A psychiatrist friend of mine told me as my sons and I were navigating adolescence, “If your teens aren’t driving you crazy, they’re not doing their job.” Well, I thought, thank you very much. They are doing a fine job, as half the time I was worried sick and the other half I was arguing with them, over one thing or another. Not real conducive to loving bonding. I found that the turbulent teens were much like the terrible twos, except you could reason better with a two year-old than you could with a fifteen year-old.

In all the hassles that come up between children and parents during adolescence, it’s important to remember that if we have done our job well, their job will be to break away from us. We can no longer develop our bond and in many ways we must let it go. But as we shall see, we can do things to strengthen the bond, so that after they find themselves as adults, they will come look for us. And being in their early twenties, with a successful adolescence behind them, parent and child can begin the new adventure of learning how to be adults together. That’s how it’s supposed to work. But what to do in the meantime?

First, it’s important to remember that the teen brain is still growing and all the gray matter is not there yet, no matter how sophisticated your teen may want to appear. The human brain reaches full maturity at age twenty-two or twenty-three. So trying to explain something logically to your teen may not always click. Keeping our responses short and to the point can help alleviate a potential blow-up. Using a firm voice with confidence can also be effective as teens will respond to the most expedient. If your voice carries authority, they will catch that quickly.

A second important consideration is that most parents have to work very hard to allow their children to break their bond with us. We naturally want to hold on, especially mothers. So being gentle with ourselves is crucial. Supporting ourselves to support our teens goes a long way to strengthen a roller-coaster relationship.

It helps to use appreciative language as much as we can. Giving teens choices, acknowledging all the skills they do have, and showing them that we value their contributions are worthy parental communication skills. Approaching teens from an appreciative view, without being Pollyannish about it, demonstrates to them that we truly care and that no matter what, we are there for them.

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