Growing an Interior Life

Greg, an accomplished geologist and author of several books, tells of the time he “stumbled” upon his career:

“When I was a kid, I did watch TV, but I can also remember a lot of time just being by myself and thinking. One favorite thing to do on summer days was to lie under the oak tree in the back yard and look up at the clouds, trying to see various shapes in them. It wouldn’t be uncommon for me to spend an hour or so doing that. Another favorite activity was sifting through dirt pretending to look for gold or diamonds. I vividly remember one Saturday morning being outside in the chilly autumn air and feeling the cold, damp dirt in my hands. I was putting stones of different shapes in various rows, when I got an idea. I thought, ‘I wonder if a person can do a job like this?’ Being seven years old I had never heard of the word, geologist. When I found out there was such a thing, I couldn’t believe it. I thought by thinking it first, I had somehow invented the career. Later I realized that I had luckily discovered my life’s work digging in the dirt as a kid.”

Parents often tell me a version of Greg’s story. Perhaps it wasn’t their life’s path they discovered, but an important insight about themselves or a totally new understanding about the world. Free-range mental meanderings as children often influence us significantly as adults. But even more than that, slices of daily down time provide wonderful opportunities to design an interior life.

An interior life is to our minds what an enclosed porch is to our house. It’s a place separate from, yet a part of the structure in which we live. It’s a place to meet ourselves and have a good chat. It’s a seclusion to muse and ponder. It’s a timeout where we can regroup and understand ourselves better. We enter when we wish and leave when it’s time. Hopefully, it’s a room of light; a place where we achieve clarity and purpose.

Nurturing An Interior Life Leads to a Positive Self-Image

Healthy emotional development depends upon how much we like ourselves. How can children come to like who they are, if they don’t spend time inside getting to know themselves? Consider the following two children, both eight years old.

Melissa has spent three to four hours a day with a screen since she was two years old. She now has an I-Pad in her bedroom and often falls asleep with it on. Melissa dislikes schoolwork because she can’t get quick answers. She has a hard time sitting still and has started acting out in class. Melissa’s teacher is concerned that she won’t be well prepared for fourth grade. Her parents are thinking about getting her tested because of language delays, inappropriate classroom behaviors, and poor academic performance.

Beth has had one hour a day or less of screen time since she was three years old. Her bedroom is screen-free with lots of books. She likes to draw and has her own sketch pad. She will often sit and draw for an hour or so after school. She usually has some sort of project going. Currently, she is helping her mom put family photos in albums chronologically. Beth is not an A student, but she works hard and can sit and do her homework without need of too much help from her parents. Her teacher is pleased with Beth’s efforts and her classroom behavior.

Who is growing up with a positive self-image, Melissa or Beth?

Because Beth has more opportunities for self-discovery, she also has the advantage of being more in charge of herself. She is participating more fully in life than Melissa is because life is easier for her than it is for Melissa. Since Melissa’s environment doesn’t make it easy for her to go inside herself, difficulties are compounding. As she gets tested at school and labeled as “learning deficit,” her sense of self will likely further diminish. With more adults controlling her behaviors and identifying her as a “problem,” how can Melissa acquire a positive self-image?

Building self-awareness and self-understanding can be strengthened at any age. While ideally the child would be on the road to a positive self-image before the age of eight, there is plenty parents can do in later childhood and during the teen years if it looks like a negative self-concept is taking hold. The key is for parents to understand the critical importance of providing opportunities. Discovering and building an interior life opens up whole new ways of being in the world and brings important insights for interacting healthily with others.

The Good News: Simple, Yet Effective Ways Parents Can Encourage Introspection…the key to growing an interior life

Like any skill, introspection can be learned when practiced. Try these out with your children or teens and observe the positive changes:

• Take a day on the weekend for a family inventory. Are there changes that can be made such as a rule to limit blaring music after a certain hour? Find out what works for family members to spend quiet time “inside their heads.” Discuss how you can help each other gain time and space for introspection by being more aware of everyone’s needs.
• Provide a special place for “quiet thinking.” It may be an overstuffed chair in the living room or a kitchen nook. Maybe you will create one with a few pillows in a corner of the rec room. Wherever it is, when a child (or parent) is there, it means, “Please do not talk to me. I am taking a mental journey away from it all. Will talk with you when I come back.”
• Keep the TV off when no one is watching it. This isn’t healthy “background noise.” Rather it contributes to children’s perceptual chaos. Kids won’t go inside easily with the TV replacing the focus of attention.
• Invite “think-links.” These are times to link with one’s own thinking. As a classroom teacher, I used to have my students put their heads down on their desks and “just think about” a question I asked for five minutes before raising their hands. When helping your child with homework, you can do the same. When frustration mounts and answers don’t come readily have your son or daughter close eyes and do a “think-link.” With your child calmed down, ask one question that might get your child headed in the right direction. Give him at least five minutes to think about the question. Don’t talk about anything at this time. After the thinking time is up, discuss any insights or ideas your child has come up with. Observe how he or she links to own thinking given a time-out to do so.
• Ask the question, “What are you saying to yourself about __________?” This is a handy question to ask when reading aloud to children or when they are reading to you. Or when watching a show or a movie together. For teens, it’s an excellent question when they are in a dilemma, not sure which choice to make. It opens up self-knowledge and an opportunity for us as parents to peek into how their minds are operating and make course corrections as needed.
• State the sentence, “I see you need to think about that a bit.” When our children want us to make a quick decision for them, this is an excellent opportunity to give them a chance to reflect upon what they’re asking. Similar things we could say are: “Why don’t you reflect on what you just said for the rest of the day, and then let’s talk about it tonight?” Or “I like the way you are taking time to think this through.”