What We Attend To, We Tend

“We have it in our power to begin the world over again. A situation similar to the present hath not appeared since the days of Noah until now.” – Tom Paine, 1775

I am sure life was hard in 1775 and then, of course, the success of our revolution was uncertain. But I think today these words ring truer than ever: “Not since the times of Noah has a situation similar to the present hath appeared.”  I think we can all agree: Our present is in mighty peril.

To maintain my sanity, and continue to do my small part on this planet, I try to discipline myself to focus on his first sentence: “We have it in our power to begin the world over again.” If I spend too much time and energy pondering all of our complex problems, I can’t muster an ounce of hope. I’m too exhausted. Too confused. And exhaustion and confusion easily lead to feeling hopeless; disempowered. 

In PCI’s parent coach training program, I intentionally emphasized the brain-based axiom “What you focus on grows.” If you visit websites of PCI Coaches around the globe, you will see this important principle consistently repeated. I try hard to “practice what I preach:” To put my attention where I want to go, what I have control over, what energizes and uplifts. It’s not always easy—as you know. But thankfully I can rely on motivating memories. I have seen wonderous effects countless times in my own life and in the lives of parents and the family support professionals I work with when they attend to what they want to grow in their lives.

And science affirms what our experience demonstrates. What we tend to does expand! Just like we tend our gardens if we want flowers and vegetables, we are wise to keep positive thoughts at the forefront. Because by attending to them, they will grow—that’s the natural way human attention works. Another way to put it is: What we invest in, appreciates. That’s not to say our problems lessen. No. They keep staring at us, for sure. But if we look in another direction, possibilities open up.

Focusing on the positive doesn’t mean avoiding or denying anything negative. I guess now when folks do that, they call that “toxic positivity.” At PCI we use positive psychology (in a realistic way!) and Appreciative Inquiry within the context of deep empathy for parents who often struggle with overwhelming demands. 

PCI coaches stand side-by-side with moms and dads, looking out in the same direction toward their goals and dreams, while we listen deeply to their concerns and give them the space needed to make their changes in their own time, at their own pace. Knowing that we can help them be more effective self-change agents, we will ask questions to bring their focused attention to what is working for them, even in the midst of all the challenges. We will help them tend to their strengths and their children’s strengths—to resources they may be over-looing—to new possibilities for tapping their endless potential as the magnificent humans they are. 

In short, positive psychology and Appreciative Inquiry are tools that help us help parents attend to what they want to tend for more life satisfaction. And when they do, gradually, over time, their world transforms.

Their world first, and then the possibilities to pro-actively address the larger world are endless.